How to get away with wearing dubious clothing in public!

10418967_10154938449805640_4118606744704702487_nThere are times when I think that we runners aren’t just in it for the blood pumping satisfaction of pushing ourselves as far as we can go. Times when it doesn’t seem enough to have that euphoric sense of being alive returning from a good solid run. Occasionally it appears to me that the tight bonds of camaraderie and support are not enough to get me out pounding the streets in a continued series of controlled falls, especially as winter draws in and the evenings get shorter. I wonder if it might be the gadgets that allow me to draw up technical training plans and chart my progress, giving vent to the inner geek with spreadsheets and analysis. And then I remember what gets me out there on a cold winters night when it is bitterly cold and all right thinking people are snuggled up in a warm house watching shite on telly. It’s the excuse to wear slightly kinky clothes!
As a bloke in the main I am not that interested in clothes, I spend most of my life in Jeans and a T-shirt when not at work. I have a 3 jackets, a light one for the summer, a heavy one for the winter, and my OMM. In the main I avoid clothes shopping as much as possible. Still around this time last year I bit the bullet and ventured into a sports direct shop to look for some winter running gear. I bought a long sleeve neon yellow shirt thing, a gillette which I may have worn once, and something that up until that point I swore I would never own. Running tights, those super tight zip up at the bottom leggings that all the cool runners wear. What a revelation!
The thing about running tights as a bloke is that they are nothing like trousers, they squeeze everything in, and when you first put them on you know they are there with every move you make. The whole thing is vaguely exciting, and looking in the mirror they transformed my hairy pegs into the graceful sleek legs of an athlete. Oh and they left nothing to the imagination, to be honest there are probably laws against going out in running tights without shorts on. I’m not saying I could scare small children, but there are a few people out there who would feel a little bilious as I went past. There are only 2 places I can think of where wearing such strange garments is acceptable, a meeting of runners in winter, or a particularly suspect nightclub for people with shall we say ‘interesting’ leisure pursuits.DSC_0300
This year as winter came I decided I needed to purchase a proper base layer, my long sleeve shirt was good but as my
training has increased it is a struggle to keep it clean. I did a quick search on Amazon (did I mention I am not a big fan of shopping) found the most reasonable base layer I could, worked out I probably needed a medium and sent off for it. When it turned up the other day I was sure the order was wrong, it looked so small. I resolutely tried the thing on, squeezing my head through the neck and pushing into the incredibly tight garment. Well it was almost as exciting to wear as the tights and looking in the mirror once again there was nothing left to the imagination. There was a bonus, it was so tight it seemed to be pulling my belly in and I looked almost fit, I could really get into this top.
The way it stands now there are only three possible ways that I can get to wear such skin tight and vaguely indecent clothing. First of all I could become a superhero, but the opportunities for such a role in rural Surrey are minimal to say the least. Last parish council review into crime in the area highlighted the kicking over of a gnome as a major incident. Secondly I could join one of those dubious clubs for people who like to get squelchy. OK so I don’t mind a bit of sweat, but I don’t think I could get on with to much of article-2312015-19636D0F000005DC-85_634x412the other bodily fluids involved. Which leaves me with my one option. In order to get away with wearing such ridiculously tight and vaguely kinky clothes I am going to have to keep on running. You can bet I am not the only one who
uses their running as an excuse to wear clothes that others would find suspect. Next time you go to a major race just keep your eyes out, they’ll be there. While I may satisfy my skin tight clothing fetish others turn up in all kinds of outfits, furries, cross dressers, exhibitionists, and all manner of fantasists. The only way my winter outfit scores over this lot, is that it was supposedly designed for running in the first place.


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